Family, grief and falling off the wagon

We had two deaths in our family, and bucketloads of sadness and grief.  For me, everything just started to get harder.  And of course, after the initial  loss of appetite, my old friends sweet, salty and fatty were there to help.

Once I'd fallen off the raw live food wagon, it was easy to stay off.  I stayed with vegan, though - I couldn't go back to eating animal products, ever - so things didn't deteriorate as far as they have done in the past.

I cooked again - soups and veggie burgers, lots of bread.  I still eat lots of vegetables, but I can feel it all spiralling out of control.  Chocolate and cookies have crept in (eaten in secret, away from the family), and a few days ago, it was a magical, warm buttery croissant (did someone say vegan?) from our neighbourhood bakery.

The weird thing is that I KNOW how well I feel when I'm eating a good clean diet, and I know how lousy I feel when I eat junk.  But once I'm feeling lousy it's so hard to pick myself up again - I feel depressed and have NO energy.  And living in San Francisco, when I feel exhausted and have to walk up an almost vertical hill carrying bags of vegetables, things can look grim, and it's tempting to take an easier option - like eating out, or ordering in, or buying groceries that don't weigh very much.

But that's not really the reason.  The REAL reason, if I'm brutally honest, is that I just want to stuff myself.  Totally stuff myself.  And I need to find out why.

I scare myself.  I'm 43, and I have only 27 years till I'm 80.  I want to live well, and have no regrets.

So a few days ago I revisited some of my beloved blogs and books, trying to find inspiration, trying to help myself to feel better.

And yes!!!!!  This inspirational lady has turned on my switch again.  Thankyou, Angela.